The Tradobligation Flow Chart

Holiday celebrations. Life-giving traditions? Soul-sucking obligations? A little bit of both? Let's talk.

It’s that time of year again, friends. Here in the U.S., tomorrow’s Thanksgiving kicks off 5-6 weeks of “the holiday season.”

The grocery store this week is No Exit come to life, proving Satre’s notion, “Hell is other people.”

How you doing?

Is dread crawling up your spine?

Is excitement fluttering in your tum-tum?

Or are you fairly blasé, a Parisian looking impossibly cool, staring philosophically into the middle distance, ashing a cigarette at a sidewalk cafe? Are you the very epitome of a certain aloof, je ne sais quoi?

Yeah. Me neither.

Which is why I find it worthwhile to think about what we’re doing from now until January.

As in, “WHAT are we doing?”

“What ARE we doing?”

“What are WE doing?”

“What are we DOING?”

Also: Why?

Just, why.

Why are we doing all the whats that we’re doing?

Hence the Tradobligation Flowchart.

(Tradobligation is a portmanteau of tradition and obligation.)

Holy smokes, it’s been a full decade of the Tradobligation Flowchart?

To quote Marx:

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Grouch Marx, that is.

So yeah, I drew this when Teen was 8 and we were in full swing of all the … stuff … families do and are expected to do.

I was feeling a lot of enjoyment but also a lot of loneliness and alienation caused by all the norms and shoulds.

Many of my friends were expressing the same. So on a lark, I drew this flowchart.

We’ll go over the important questions.

YOU START BY ASKING YOURSELF:

IS THIS TRADOBLIGATION FUN?

Be honest. Take some deep breaths and ground yourself.

Imagine the tradobligation, such as hosting Thanksgiving dinner.

Notice your feelings, thoughts, bodily sensations.

Ask: is hosting Thanksgiving dinner fun?

There are probably a mix. That’s okay.

Try not to judge.

Just notice.

You might throw your hands in the air (and not in the best way, the dance-floor way) and say, JJ, what does “fun” even mean when we’re talking about hosting Thanksgiving dinner?

Here, fun can mean several things:

• straight-up, downright, hootenanny-esque fun

• life-giving - it just feels great, you hopefully just know what life-giving means

• energy-generating - you leave with more energy than you started with

• connection-deepening - it helps create, maintain, or strengthen connections with folks you want (or need) to be connected with

• ancestrally meaningful - it’s important because it will make your ancestors proud that you are carrying on this tradition; making your ancestors proud is important to you and makes you feel warm and re-energized

• spiritually elevating - it deepens your connection with nature, the Divine, and/or the Great Cosmic Echidna

• uplifting - it just plain lifts your spirits

• important for community building - like being in solidarity with the poor or hungry, this usually goes along with connection-deepening, but/and can also mean taking care of a community garden or otherwise tending to community-supporting practices

Those kinds of things.

The options are YES, NO, and EH. KIND OF.

No answers are wrong. No one has to know what you really think. No one is judging. Just notice.

If the answer is YES, it’s fun, ask: DO YOU HAVE TIME FOR THIS?

You know what?

Not having time is a good enough excuse not to do something.

Repeat after me: “Thank you for asking, but I have enough on my plate right now.”

Say that. Then stop talking. You’ve made your point. You don’t have to apologize. That’s it. Full stop.

If you could squeeze it in (or really, even if you do have the time), then ask yourself: ARE YOU HEALTHY AND GETTING ENOUGH REST?

For real.

Are you feeling what healthy feels like to you right here, right now?

Are you getting enough rest?

This also means do you have the spoons for this. Do you? Have the spoons?

What if we factored in our health, rest, and spoons into our tradobligations? Not in an indulgent, egocentric, new-agey way, but in a “I’m a person worthy of care like I would care about my best friend” way?

Would the world grind to a halt?

What would change?

Would we stop running so many errands? Would we say no to a few parties? Would we opt for very simple potluck on paper plates instead a full, fancy, multi-day prep Thanksgiving feast?

Would any of those changes be so bad?

A YES to it’s fun AND I have time OR I am healthy and getting enough rest takes you to —

CAN YOU AFFORD IT, FINANCIALLY?

Whewweeee prices are going up like what.

Sure, it’s rad to throw a party and buy expensive presents and do the gift exchange and take time off work and go somewhere but geez. Where’s the money, honey?

If I had more room on the page, I would ask “Can you up with a less expensive or money-free alternative to said festivity?”

Folks might be real grateful if you did. You ain’t the only one struggling financially, I can guarantee you that.

Yes to all three? It’s fun, you have time, AND you can afford it? Then go straight to number-one-fun box:

“What are you waiting for? Go for it! Have a blast!”

A NO to any— DO YOU HAVE TIME, ARE YOU HEALTHY AND GETTING ENOUGH REST, or CAN YOU AFFORD IT takes you straight to one of the best boxes:

END THIS MADNESS. GO TO BED.

If you need it, I will sign any excuse notes you may need, be they to work, school, volunteer commitments, friends, or family.

I don’t know what good it will do. My signature plus $7 will get you a latte at Starbucks. But I am happy to be of assistance in this manner.

BACK TO THE TOP. IF THE TRADOBLIGATION IS — NO! NOT FUN! OR ONLY “EH. KIND OF” FUN —

ASK YOURSELF:

WHY, WHY WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TRADOBLIGATION?

Potential answers:

• I don’t even know!

• I feel obligated because others do it.

• It’s a tradition? I guess?

• My butt will get fired if I don’t do it.

• Someone will die an actual medical death if I don’t.

Let’s break these answers down.

—“I don’t even know” why I’m doing this.

OK. Then ask yourself: Will the tradobligation enhance your relationships with GOOD friends, CLOSE family, TRUSTED colleagues, or COMMUNITY in a genuinely meaningful way?

YES: ask if you have time; are you healthy and getting rest, and can you afford it.

NO: END THIS MADNESS. GO TO BED.

—“I feel obligated because others do it.”

OR

—”It’s a tradition? I guess?”

Next question: Would the world be a better place without this tradobligation?

An answer of HECK YEAH! takes you to:

Are you willing to be a trailblazer for the eradication of this tradobligation?

An answer of YES! takes you to

FIGHT THE POWER! BECOME A VOCAL ANTI-TRADOBLIGATION ADVOCATE!*

*utilize optional note if desired

*Optional Bonus Handy Note:

----------------------cut on dotted line------------------------------

Dear (circle one) friend / family member / colleague / other (please specify):

I am intentionally, but not maliciously, declining to participate in the following holiday tradobligation: ____________________________________________________
for reasons of my own sanity, and to make the world a less reciprocal-obligation-filled place. I invite you to join me in opting out of any and all tradobligations that aren’t life-giving or soul-affirming for you. Experience the freedom!

Sincerest regards,

___________________

If the world would NOT be a better place without this tradobligation, or you are NOT willing or able to be a trailblazer for the eradiction of this tradobligation, go to asking “Will it enhance your relationships or community in a genuinely meaningful way.”

— “My butt will get fired if I don’t” do the tradobligation.

Ask yourself: Do you like your job?

Do you NEED this job?

I bet you know what comes next, where to go from here.

NEEDING THIS JOB TAKES YOU TO THE SAME BOX AS—

“Someone will die an actual medical death if I don’t.”

WHICH IS, go to:

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? GO FOR IT. HAVE FUN!

Or perhaps more accurately:

Is there something you can do to make this tradobligation more fun?

(Remembering all the things fun can mean.)

A real-life example.

I have tried to finagle my way out of celebrating Thanksgiving for decades.

I hate Thanksgiving.

Why? For three main reasons:

1. It’s a settler-colonizer endeavor to gloss over an attempted genocide. It just is. We act as if it were a celebration of the happy relationships between pilgrims and Indians. OR we act like it has nothing to do with that history, and it’s “just” a day to be thankful. Tell that to your Native American and Indigenous friends. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

2. Some particularly traumatic things happened to me on Thanksgivings three out of the four years of high school. The kinds of trauma you can process and go to therapy and support groups for but you still never quite shake.

3. The food is the focus. One, I don’t like being pressured to eat. Two, I can’t abide the way the President pardons two turkeys (har har, so funny) … yet ignores what happens to all the millions of turkeys and other animals who are bred and live and die by slaughter in hell-on-earth conditions, by folks (including children) who earn low wages. If one individual person treated their pet animal/s this way, it could be prosecuted as animal abuse, considered “special victims” in Durham County. They’d be hauled into superior court facing a felony conviction. But when animal cruelty is done by industries at large scale … somehow it’s ok?

I’m so much fun at Thanksgiving, guys.

Anyhoodles.

Skipping it has never been fully successful except for the years I lived alone in the mid-90s. (I volunteered to serve dinner at a shelter, came home, popped Star Wars into the VCR).

SO I CAN’T GET IT OUT OF IT. THUS I ASK MYSELF: SELF, WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE THIS TRADOBLIGATION MORE FUN?

And here are some things I try to focus on, about Thanksgiving:

• Watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade from 9-10 AM for the Broadway numbers and the Rockettes. The Rockettes!

• Our new-ish tradition of watching GYMKATA, which we learned about thanks to my pal Banks, who ***doot doot doot we bring you a news update*** still has not read enough Unruly Quaker to notice that he’s been name-checked not once but twice now. Shh, do NOT tell him, especially you, Andrea. What is Gymkata? It is possibly the worst movie ever made. It’s poorly conceived, disturbing, racist, and violent. Kind of the perfect way to connote Thanksgiving, really.

• Cocktails. Two is my limit. And yes, I know it’s problematic. But boy do I enjoy those two drinks. Alcohol isn’t great for a lot of people, and can be downright deadly to many, but for me on Thanksgiving? You can pry my two fancy cocktails out of my white-knuckled fists. Or you can try.

• Thinking about what I’m thankful for. I have a ton of gratitude for my life and the people, animals, nature, art, communities, movements, and ideas in my life. I’m safe and not in abusive or dangerous relationships or living conditions. Quite the opposite, in fact. I am loved and safe. That right there, that’s huge.

• Snuggling with my dog. She understands everything without me having to say a word.

• Attempting to stay in the moment. A lot of laughter and fun can happen if I let myself be present to it.

OK y’all!

Wishing you the happiest of holidays (?) and the least awful of holiday tradobligations.

Thank you, as ever, for reading. Apologies for missing Monday. My Covid booster laid me unexpectedly low. Consider this a mixed Monday and Noodles - for Gymkata if you can stomach it. Or the Rockettes at approximately 9:50 on Thursday morning if you can’t.

Grateful for you all. Truly.

XOXO