My Mom’s Advice for being a Mom
She's pretty smart and shows hella restraint, y'all
In my 19 years as a parent, my mother has given me exactly three pieces of advice.
Talk about restraint.
And her restraint in its own way says a LOT.
It says “I trust you.”
It says, “You’ve got this.”
It also says, “When and if you become a grandmother, it’s best to keep your advice to yourself (unless you are directly asked).”
Whew. Catch a whiff of that?
Smells like wisdom.
Perhaps because I am STILL laid low with COVID, I’m feeling especially grateful for caregivers, and wisdom, and that of course especially includes my mom.
Here are the three pieces of advice she’s shared with me.
THING 1: TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS.
MEANING: If you are parenting well, you are likely know your child better than anyone. Listen to experts but … trust your instincts.
Mom gave me this advice when Sam was two or three. He was still only saying a few words.
Our pediatrician was concerned.
And I do want to say — it’s important to listen carefully to experts, especially when they have demonstrated to you that they are trustworthy and they know what they are talking about.
Our pediatrician had been spot-on about everything so far: a heart murmur, jaundice, trouble nursing and gaining weight. We’d been through a lot together. We trusted her.
But something felt different this time.
My tummy was nudging me in a different direction. My tummy was saying he just needed a little more time.
Our pediatrician wanted us to rule out physical issues and then consult an expert in late-language adoption (or something like that). Not incidentally, this expert who I called on the phone to see about an appointment, just didn’t feel right. And one session with her would have cost about $500.
We thought it made sense to rule out physical issues. We did. There weren’t any.
I thought Sam would start talking when he was good and ready.
We waited a bit longer. Six months, a year.
It wasn’t easy to wait. I was very accustomed to hitting those milestones. I was very used to listening to experts, even over my instincts.
But we were right: he just needed his own time.
This has been an important lesson in parenting — even as it shifts through the years.
One trick (*cough* requirement *cough*) for trusting your instincts is self-awareness.
Trusting your gut does not work if you are a garbled mess.
I mean, you can be messy, but you need to know the whys and wherefores of your messiness.
You must be able to discern what’s going on within you, where your feelings are coming from, and what else might be going on for you. Are you being triggered? Are there unresolved issues of your own? Would it be best to leave this up to the experts? Are you responding to a different trauma, whether related or unrelated? Is this a systemic issue that your child is butting up against? Are you ready to struggle with them or on their behalf?
Another trick (requirement) is communication with your co-parent/s.
Your instincts might differ from each other’s. What happens then? Who gets to decide? How will you work it out?
The big trick (requirement), again, is knowing your child well.
You need to know them well enough to know what they need and what will be good for them. You need to know them well enough to know when you need to step in and when you need to sit back.
Easy, right?
Sure. A total breeze.
Spoiler alarm: you’ll mess up.
Another spoiler alarm: you’ll be in good company when you do. :)
ADVICE THINGY 2: GUILT WILL BE YOUR CONSTANT COMPANION. YOU MIGHT AS WELL MAKE FRIENDS WITH IT.
Mom gave me this advice when I was crying from overwhelm.
I broke down with her because I was exhausted to the core.
I felt like no matter how much or how well I tried to do things — writing, parenting, being a wife, being a friend, working — it was never enough.
I knew I was disappointing everyone.
And I might have been wrong, but I also might have been right.
I might have been “not enough” for everyone else’s expectations. Maybe even my mom’s.
But Mom looked into my eyes and said,
“You will never have enough time and energy for everything you want to give your child, spouse, family, work, and all the rest. And everything they want from you! So get comfortable with guilt. It will be sitting on your shoulder all the time. For the indefinite future.”
She was right.
I started to try to just notice guilt.
Just notice it.
Give it a little space, give it a seat to make itself comfortable on my shoulder.
Make friends with it, since it’s always there anyway.
I don’t have to indulge it or react to it. I can just… notice and give it a little friendly nod.
“Hi, Guilt. You’re here again. Okay. Spot of tea, perhaps?”
ADVICE THINGY 3: MEET YOUR OWN NEEDS. (AND KNOW WHAT THEY ARE.)
Mom gave me this advice early.
Maybe even in the first few weeks of motherhood, when Sam wasn’t sleeping more than two hours in a row, I wasn’t producing enough milk to feed him, and no one tells you in advance that you have to nurse your baby every two hours — and that nursing a newborn takes 90 minutes.
That’s half an hour of freedom for every hour-and-a-half of a squirmy screaming human vacuum suctioning painfully onto your scabbed-up nipples.
No wonder nobody tells you this in advance.
Memories.
No matter how awesome your family, partner, friends, community are - and mine are awesome - ain’t no one going to book that girlfriends’ weekend, or drive you to the movie theater for a matinee, or carve out an hour for you to roll out your mat and do some restorative yoga.
You must, you must do this for yourself.
Sometimes it’s possible. Sometimes it’s not.
And I do want to make a distinction between ‘consumerist-oriented “me time”’ and ‘actually dipping into the limitless well of spiritual renewal “me time.”’
Consumerist “me time,” like going shopping, or getting a mani/pedi, or scrolling social media, might be fun. Heck, it might do the trick every once in a while. But these things are not going to sustain you long term.
It’s imperative, vital, necessary, for every human to figure out for themselves what re-ignites your spark, what re-energizes you, what makes you come alive. And do that. Dip into that. On the regular.
For me, it’s time alone: yoga, prayer, meditation, reading, writing, and sustained silence.
Conversely, for me, it’s also relational: coffee with a friend, dinner with my family, a Restorative Justice Durham community meeting, a class session with my amazing cohort, a walk with my dog in the woods.
They make me feel like, yeah, we live in a Universe of Abundance. And the Great Cosmic Echidna has endless love and quiver wiggles to share.
How about you?
What makes you come alive?
And … what’s the best parenting advice you’ve ever received?
XOXO
… what’s the best parenting advice you’ve ever received?
My mother taught me how evil racism is. Other than that, she said almost nothing.
Fortunately I had a pediatrician Dr. H. that told me I needed to trust my gut. He seemed abrupt to me as a young, unsure mom, but spoke softly when addressing me and was very kind.