This here unruly Quaker thinks sex outside of marriage between consenting partners is just fine. Can be quite fun, actually.
I’m really not into restrictive dogma or judgments. Quelle surprise.
Religious restrictions on sexuality don’t make a lot of sense to me personally.
I will say that I have very close friends who were virgins until marriage due to religious beliefs - and they did fine with that.
More numerous, though, are my friends who were told they should be virgins until marriage due to religious beliefs - and who did NOT do fine with that.
They had a lot of shame about their sexuality, they thought their bodies belonged to someone else (their father or God) and their shame led to uninformed choices if not total denial about safety, consent, STIs, and birth control.
I’ve had a lot of meetings and conversations lately about the changing abortion landscape. Also a lot of meetings and conversations about sexual assault and the justice system.
Which brings up a lot of feelings for moi because I’m a rape and sexual assault survivor (separate incidents). I’m also a pro-choice abortion advocate. And I’m the mom of a teen and the friend-auntie of a lot of teens.
And oy, these meetings have been bringing to mind the confirmation hearings for Justice “Coach” Kavanaugh. Remember those?
God, I felt like someone had taken a dagger to my soul and a cheese grater to my skin.
Christine Blasey Ford was incredibly courageous and I don’t know how anyone couldn’t have believed her.
Her memories are exactly how trauma memories work. You don’t remember some things. You can’t ever forget other details. Her memories are so much like my memories of one of my sexual assaults it’s painful.
So many folk at the time were all, “This is unfair! This means anyone’s son could be accused of rape at any time!” or “How would you feel if you were being adjudicated based on what YOU did at 17?”
My heart hurt every time I saw those posts going around social media.
Were they posted by well-meaning parents, former date-rapists, or Russian bots? Who knows.
What I do know, or at least suspect, is that such posts were coming from a place of fear. And they attempted to spread more fear.
What would it mean to clear out the fear?
I’d sure prefer to live in a world of enjoyable sex between informed, enthusiastic, consenting partners. People with a full array of choices and bodily autonomy.
What would that look like?
I’m still a work in progress, I’ll tell you that.
But here are the “rules,” such as they are, that I told, and continue to tell, my teenager and my friend-nieces and nephews.
1. BE VERY, VERY INTERESTED IN THE OTHER PERSON’S RESPONSE TO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO / ARE DOING.
Hey, did y’all see that Will Smith movie, “Hitch”? It’s not a perfect movie, but it has one of the best pieces of dating advice: “Go in for a first kiss 90% of the way ... and hold.”
Why is this great advice? Because it signals where you’re at —“I’d like to kiss you on the lips”— and waits for a response.
That response could be a lipper (kiss on the lips). It could be a cheeker. It could be a heart-wrenching handshake. Worse, it could be a salute.
But whatever the response, you are signaling your intention and leaving room for the other person to make their decision.
Later on, if things get hot and heavy, stay interested in your partner’s responses.
Make eye contact (but not creepy constant eye contact). Do they like what you’re doing? Ask them if something feels good.
Incidentally, this will only make sex better and more fun.
2. THERE’S A LOT MORE TO SEX THAN PENETRATION.
Movies show cis-het couples going straight from one kiss to penis-vagina intercourse in like, 30 seconds.
Save that for year twelve of marriage, when you’re trying to sneak in a quickie before your kids wake up.
When you’re young, you have time. There’s a whole lot more fun to be had.
Explore, together.
You don’t have to go in a straight line from face lips to vaj lips, you don’t have to progress around the baseball bases in order, you don’t have to penetrate something to have fun.
See what makes you feel good.
Ask what makes them feel good.
Figure it out together.
Which means -
3. IF YOU CAN’T TALK ABOUT SEX WITH THE PERSON YOU WANT TO DO IT WITH, YOU SURELY AREN’T READY TO DO IT.
In cis-heterosexual relationships, this includes the basics of birth control. I cannot stress this enough.
Abortion access is limited and changing all the time.
The way pregnancy is counted, the first day of a missed period is the start of week four. A lot of teens and young adults don’t have regular periods.
There is precious little time, and precious few appointments available, for an abortion before week six or ten.
(Also, dollars to donuts, they won’t stop at banning abortion. They’ll be coming for birth control next. This is why information and activism is important.)
Anyway. Communication.
In every relationship, communication must include the basics of STI protection.
You know what’s more awkward than stopping to put on a condom?
Herpes. Herpes is more awkward.
4. DO NOT MIX MIND-ALTERERS WITH SEX.
Choose one or the other. Not both at the same time. Not when you’re young. Not when you’re still learning your limits.
Being high, drunk, or otherwise altered radically changes your ability to tune in to the other person. And to yourself.
It also radically diminishes your ability to make good decisions.
Same for your partner: if they have been drinking, smoking, or dosing, that means no hanky-panky.
When/if someone hands you a drink, a dose, a vape, a bong hit: the road to sex closes for the night. The gate comes down. The door shuts. Choose your metaphor and shut it tight.
Focus on staying safe, learning your limits, and getting home safely. Save sex for another time.
5. IF YOU’RE FOOLING AROUND WITH SOMEONE AND YOU MAKE A MISTAKE, STOP. APOLOGIZE. SAY, “I’M SORRY. ARE YOU OKAY?”
No matter how embarrassing or scary, do not blame your partner.
Stay open, not defensive.
Be humble. Look into their eyes, say you are very sorry, and mean it.
Sometimes we fumble.
Braces can get locked together while kissing.
Certain holes are close together. You might confuse one for the other — this can happen even when you’ve been with someone for a long time.
Something might hurt that felt good before.
A heartfelt apology means everything in these situations.
Which reminds me:
6. EITHER OF YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR MIND AT ANY TIME.
You might think you’re ready for something and then BAM you just aren’t.
Maybe panic just rushes into your brain. You hear that pre-panic attack shrill noise.
Maybe you have to fart and you really don’t think you can manage a one-cheek sneak.
Maybe they just got their period.
Maybe the dog is looking at you funny.
Maybe your partner has breath that could knock over an adult giraffe.
Any of these reasons — any reason — is valid.
Sometimes the mood just changes. It happens.
Just take deep breaths, back off, communicate what you’re feeling, and listen to your partner.
You can always try again another time. Or never.
And if you feel like this is your one and only chance for something to happen? Huge red flag.
I mean, are both of you leaving for lifetime Peace Corps assignments on separate continents in two hours? Okay. Maybe in that case this is your one chance. Maybe.
Otherwise, there’s always tomorrow.
Speaking of tomorrow -
7. FOLLOW UP THE NEXT DAY.
Make plans to see each other. Or at least text/call the next day.
Let them know you care about their experience.
You do not have to be a weird robot: “Thank you for doing sex with me How are you Do you want to do sex with me again Please Thank you.”
Um, no.
Just check in. Let them know you know they are a person. And you are a person. You’re both human, it’s all a process of unfolding and learning.
Speaking of being a person:
8. SURROUND YOURSELF WITH PEOPLE YOU FEEL GOOD ABOUT.
Things can get out of hand at parties, especially with drugs and/or alcohol present.
You want to be around friends who will keep you safe. Who you trust. And who won’t endanger others who are there.
If you don’t feel good about what’s happening somewhere, GTFO.
Text us your secret code.
We will come get you and any friends who also need to GTFO.
We’ll get you all home safe. Then we’ll talk about it in the morning.
Meanwhile:
9. IF YOU SEE SOMETHING BAD (OR EVEN JUST SKETCHY) HAPPENING AT A PARTY, YOU MUST INTERVENE IF IT IS PHYSICALLY SAFE FOR YOU TO DO SO.
You don’t need to make a big scene or be a hero.
You just need to be a decent person.
Just as you are taught to interrupt racism and sexism, you need to interrupt an assault. Best case scenario is to stop it before it happens.
Humor goes a long way.
If someone seems to be cornering someone or dragging them to a bedroom, use your friendship or good nature to intervene:
“Dude, y’all are wasted, stay out here with us. You’re gonna need us to hold your hair back while you puke.”
“Hey she doesn’t seem into it. Give it rest.”
Enlist help from friends. Gather a crowd to help prevent something bad.
If you see something and can’t stop it, you must tell a trusted adult what happened so we can take it from there.
10. FALSE CLAIMS CAN HAPPEN, BUT THEY ARE EXCEEDINGLY RARE.
If you follow the above guidelines, I can’t imagine someone accusing you of sexual assault.
But should it happen, there is a lot we can do.
We can be humble and compassionate.
We can breathe deeply.
We can know that there is a distinctive pattern to false accusations — generally they are made in a certain way, under certain circumstances.
I trust that in most situations, the truth will out.
In the meantime: I believe survivors, and I know you do too.
Be good to yourself and those you are with.
And like I always, always say to you anytime you leave the house:
Be sweet, be safe, and have fun.
XOXO
* this dispatch is a heavily edited and updated version of a piece from my blog and Facebook from those wretched Kavanaugh hearings in September 2018