And now for something completely different:

A phone contract for your children.

Recently I had a wonderful, much-needed, life-affirming visit to a dear friend whose children are younger than my Sam.

We were talking and laughing when she suddenly goes, “Oh! We used your phone contract! For both our kids!” and the kids rolled their eyes and were like, “Thanks a LOT, Auntie Jen,” and my friend was like, “You should post it on Unruly Quaker!” So I will.

I wrote it in 2017 when Sam was turning 13 and getting his first (hand-me-down) iPhone. Some of the apps, tech, and wording are a bit dated. You do you.

The important thing is to have the conversations with your children. Make sure everything’s clear. Make sure that your child knows that a phone is a Big Deal and that their safety is your numeral uno priority.

Have at it, friends. Feel free to use, change, amend, share.

It’s also available as a Google doc.

May the Great Cosmic Echidna shine her light upon you and give you peace.

XOXO

Photo by nguyen quan on Unsplash

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Phone Contract

I, _____________________ understand that having a smartphone is, in many ways, a secular mitzvah of our times:

it is a blessing and a gift, a rite of passage, and a big responsibility, all at once. It can be used for good --connecting with friends and family, reinforcing schoolwork, discovering new ideas and stories, listening to music and audiobooks, looking up facts and history, playing fun games, computing, finding perspectives from all over the world, and more-- or it can be used for evil --bullying, screen addiction, violent or scary games and videos, time-sucks, and ignoring or blunting the experiences of real life. I understand that my phone can be all of these things, literally in the palm of my hand. I take this privilege and responsibility seriously.

___ [young person initial] ___ [carer initial]

(Your dad says we could stop here, that this is the gist of our agreement. I’m a tad more into details. Buckle in.)

I understand that my phone is not entirely my phone:

it was co-purchased with my parents/carers, and it is my parents/carers who pay the monthly cellular and internet bills. I understand that our data plan is a shared family plan, and that if we exceed our data limits, all of us are cut off from cellular data for the rest of the billing cycle. I understand that any time I’m using my phone to access the internet or certain apps and the wifi icon is not showing, I am using cellular data. I can check our data usage on our cellular-plan app. I will be mindful of my usage, especially if any of our family is traveling and might need extra data for maps and services.

___ [young person initial] ___ [carer initial]

I know that, while my parents/carers respect my privacy, their absolute priority is my physical and emotional well-being.

My parents/carers will always have access to my phone and know its passcode. I will always ask permission before downloading new apps or watching new content. If asked, I will hand my phone over to my parents/carers immediately. I will disclose to my parents/carers all my apps, accounts, histories, passwords. I know that they can go through anything - my search or app history, texts, etc. - at any time, for any reason, with no notice whatsoever.

I acknowledge that the formula for building trust is honesty and consistency over time.

___ [young person initial] ___ [carer initial]

I know that if I ever need help for ANY REASON, I will text my parents or grandparents or other carers my secret ‘escape’ code or phrase.

I know they will immediately respond with a text that says, “We have a family emergency, where are you, I need to come pick you up right away.” I can use my escape code to excuse myself from ANY situation that feels unsafe. My safety is my family’s and carers’ absolute number one priority. I do understand that this is not a “no questions asked” policy - my parents/carers will want to talk about what happened, and how I can be safe and make good choices going forward. But, again, I know that my safety is my parents’ / carers’ absolute priority. I know my escape code, I will keep it secret, I will never use it as a prank. I will use it whenever or wherever I need to.

Escape code or phrase: ____________________

___ [young person initial] ___ [carer initial]

I know that even though my phone remembers my contacts, I need to memorize the following phone numbers, just in case:

• my own phone number

• [parent]

• [carer]

• [sibling]

• [carer]

• [carer]

___ [young person initial] ___ [carer initial]

I will not use my phone to communicate with anyone I do not know in real life.

This may change as I get older, but not until discussed and agreed upon by my parents/carers and me.

___ [young person initial] ___ [carer initial]

I understand that my screen-time limits are as follows:

• 90 minutes TOTAL screen time per day (texts, Youtube, games, TV, Wii, Netflix, etc.) except Sundays.

• Sundays are screen-free. I can text friends to set up getting together in real life, but I will save chit-chat texts for other days.

• Family movies do not count as screen time.

• Screen time may be extended during travel, as permitted by my parents/carers.

• Phones are silenced and stowed out of sight at mealtimes, while playing table games, and other times of gathering.

• Screens are off 7 PM - 7 AM. I am free to listen to audiobooks or music with my screen off.

• No screens 9 AM - 3 PM on school days, except:

  • texting parents/carers

  • school work. These apps and work must be approved ahead of time. (e.g. BrainPop, Google docs, Popplet, Quizlet, Google classroom)

  • Wii for exercise on horribly miserable weather days. On these days, Wii time counts half (e.g. 30 min of Wii time equals 15 minutes of screen time)

• I will track my screen time. I will use a built-in utility or the Moment [or other] app. I understand that any user-activated pauses or “glitches” will be considered screen time. I also understand that I am free to listen to audiobooks and music with the screen off. Screen-off listening does not count as screen time; we will work out a way in advance to be sure it does not count.

• If I exceed screen time, that amount of time will be doubled and deducted from the next day’s screen time. (e.g. 110 minutes of screen time Monday = 20 minutes more than 90. 20 x 2 = 40 min. Tuesday’s screen time allowance would therefore be 50 minutes, since 90 - 40 = 50.)

• No complaining. Each and every complaint about my screen-time limit deducts ten minutes from the next day’s screen time, cumulatively, ad infinitum. My parents/carers decide what constitutes a complaint. Arguing or complaining about complaints is a complaint.

___ [young person initial] ___ [carer initial]

I understand that people and other living beings are always more important than phones.

I will put away my phone when I am with someone. If I am expecting an important text or call, I will apologize for the interruption and ask if it’s okay to check my phone. I will check quickly, being sure not to be rude or make my friend/s feel left out, and then get back to the business of connecting with people IRL. I also understand that, while texting is one sort of connection, it is not nearly as good, important, or soul-fulfilling as actually being with someone.

___ [young person initial] ___ [carer initial]

I understand that having experiences is more important than taking photos/videos of those experiences.

I will always resist falling into the modern trap of “pictures or it didn’t happen.” I understand that I can create better, more lasting memories by being fully present in an experience than I can by filming it.

• Selfie-specific clause: I understand that a selfie or ‘ussie’ every once in awhile is okay, but I will not be a total cheese turkey by taking tons of selfies everywhere I go.

  • I will be aware of my surroundings if I take a selfie, and not block people’s scenic views, or fall off a cliff or anything.

  • I will never, ever use a selfie-stick unless I have fashioned it myself out of dead tree branches and duct tape. Just, no.

• I will ask someone’s permission before taking their photo/video. I know that this is just a matter of courtesy.

• I will be careful to not divulge private information in photos. I know this can be easy to do by accident in the backgrounds of pictures. (For instance, if I take a photo in a friend’s front yard, I should try to angle the camera so that it does not show their house numbers.)

• I will never take naked or sexual pictures or videos of myself or anyone else. Not ever. I understand that any sexual or naked photos of people under the age of 18 are considered child pornography, the possession or distribution of which is a state and federal crime. This is true no matter the age of the person possessing the pics or vids. That means that no matter how old I am, even if I am a minor, having any nude or sexual pics or vids of anyone under 18 is a crime. A state and federal crime. If I ever have any questions about this, I will ask a trusted adult.

___ [young person initial] ___ [carer initial]

I agree to not using or having on my phone any social media apps or massive multi-player games.

No Snapchat, TikTok, RedNote, Instagram, Facebook, X, BlueSky, Reddit, Discord, etc. I will instead connect with people in real life. Minecraft and Youtube are okay under all the rules listed, but I will use a cryptic, non-personal username on Minecraft, and I will not upload or share any videos to Youtube without my parents’ or carers’ express permission, each and every time. I understand that we may revisit this decision in the future, at which time my social media use will be guided, monitored, and/or scaffolded by my parents/carers.

___ [young person initial] ___ [carer initial]

I understand that emails, texts, posts, etc. last forever.

Even if I later try to delete what I wrote, I know that someone could have taken a screenshot. I am mindful that anything that I write or post can be shown to anyone. I will also bear in mind that the recipients of texts, emails, etc. are real human beings. I will not text, email, etc. anything to someone that I would not say to them in person. Further, I understand that emails and texts are easily hackable. They are also subject to search by law enforcement. Therefore I will ALWAYS think for a few seconds before I hit post or send. If I write something when I am upset or angry, I will wait a day or “sleep on it” before sending my message. I also understand that everyone makes mistakes, and if I mess up or have questions, I can and should talk to my parents/carers. They mess up sometimes, too.

___ [young person initial] ___ [carer initial]

If I have a bad or weird feeling about anything (e.g. interaction, message, app, image, etc.) on my phone, I will immediately take a screenshot, put down my phone, and get my parents or another trusted adult.

I understand that the screenshot is in case my parents need to see what happened. I will be honest and forthcoming about what happened, and trust my parents/carers to take it from there.

___ [young person initial] ___ [carer initial]

I understand that most people in the world are good, but identity and/or financial theft is a valid concern.

There are folks who steal credit cards or identity information, or who hack accounts. I will always ask permission from a parent/carer before entering ANY personal information online (e.g. full name, birthdate, home address, phone number, social security number, passport, school, student ID, bank account info).

___ [young person initial] ___ [carer initial]

I understand that there can be a lot of scary and/or inappropriate images, bullying, and trolling online.

I will not click on questionable images, and if I do click on something scary or upsetting, I will take a screenshot, set my phone down, and immediately tell a parent/carer.

___ [young person initial] ___ [carer initial]

I understand that apps are designed to be addictive.

Most often this is by using variable and unpredictable rewards to stimulate parts of my brain that make me want to do this app again and again. Apps behave like slot machines: I put in my quarter (that is, I click on something or just open the app), and I’ll get an unpredictable, different reward every time. This keeps me interested and the rewards give my brain dopamine to keep me hooked. I will be mindful of this design feature and resist it by limiting screen time, taking frequent breaks, and remembering that addiction is baked into the design.

___ [young person initial] ___ [carer initial]

I understand that if an app or product is free, I am the commodity being sold.

I recognize that app developers are business people. If they give me their app for free, I can be reasonably sure they are earning money by collecting information about me to sell to advertisers or other third parties. I will be mindful of this when using apps.

___ [young person initial] ___ [carer initial]

I understand that there are deleterious physical effects of using smart phones, including exposure to blue light, possible radiation, bad posture, spinal curvature, and other long-term effects we aren’t even sure of yet.

I will protect my eyes from potential retinal damage and macular degeneration by adjusting the blue light vs. warmth setting on my display. I will protect my sleep cycles by not using my phone or other close-up screens from 7 PM - 7 AM. I will keep as much distance from my phone as is reasonable when I’m not using it (e.g. when I’m home, I will put my phone on my desk instead of keeping it in my pocket). My phone will “sleep” in the hallway or with my parent/carer overnight, from 9 PM - 7 AM.

___ [young person initial] ___ [carer initial]

I will always check with my parents/carers before making any purchase on my phone, no matter how small the dollar amount.

I understand that by design it is very easy and frictionless to spend money on a phone. Although I can buy something without a moment’s hesitation just by tapping a button, I understand that this button-tap represents real money taken from my or my parents’ / carers’ bank account. I know and appreciate that my parents/carers work very hard to earn this money. If it is my own money I am spending, I will pause to think about the hours of babysitting, cat care, yard/garden work, etc. that I have undertaken to earn the money I am about to spend. I will be mindful of the adage, “A penny saved (or not spent) is a penny earned.”

___ [young person initial] ___ [carer initial]

I understand that the convenience of facial / fingerprint ID increasing my risk of someone coercing me to unlock my phone by touching or looking at it.

A bully could physically press my finger to my phone or show it at my face. Law enforcement does not require a warrant to make me use my fingerprint or facial recognition to unlock my phone. This means that a law enforcement officer can make me unlock my phone with my fingerprint or facial recognition at any time. My passcode, on the other hand, is protected; police need a warrant to make me use my passcode. Therefore if I go to a protest or participate in civil disobedience (which my parents/carers must know about in advance!) in which law enforcement presence is likely, or arrest is possible, I will turn off facial recognition or fingerprint ID and turn on “use passcode to unlock.” I know how to do this in settings.

___ [young person initial] ___ [carer initial]

I understand that my mom will never allow me to play first-person shooter games in my house or on my devices.

I know that she thinks they are bad for my soul, and I know that scientific research shows that realistic violence in video games corresponds with increased aggressive behavior and decreased sensitivity to violence in real life. Complaining about this will count as it does under complaining about screen-time limits, above.

___ [young person initial] ___ [carer initial]

If and/or when I want to look at porn or erotica, I will discuss it with my parents/carers or another trusted adult before I use my phone or other device for this purpose.

I understand that my parents/carers are not necessarily anti-porn. This rule is not about judging or shaming me; it is about safety. I understand that searching for porn online leaves a digital trail, and can result in a barrage of violent, explicit, misogynistic, abusive, and/or creepy videos that are not conducive to healthy sexual development. I also understand that clicking on or downloading porn can lead to hacks, scams, and/or huge credit card charges. I know that when I decide I am ready to look at porn, my parents or another trusted adult can point me to safer, more ethical porn and safe ways to access it.

___ [young person initial] ___ [carer initial]

I agree to keep my location services enabled for my parents/carers to see (roughly) where I am.

I also understand that turning on location services in apps can create privacy problems by giving developers or hackers information on my whereabouts. I will limit my “find my friends” sharing to my family. I understand that this is so my family knows my location.

___ [young person initial] ___ [carer initial]

I agree to turn Bluetooth off unless I am using a Bluetooth device.

I understand that Bluetooth can sometimes make my information and devices easier to hack.

___ [young person initial] ___ [carer initial]

I agree to be courteous and respect the various rules of phone usage wherever I am.

This includes but is not limited to: keeping my phone silent and in my backpack at school, using airplane mode on airplanes, silencing and not texting at theaters, respecting the rules in friends’ houses, never texting while driving, and being courteous in public spaces like libraries, restaurants, buses, trains, waiting rooms, etc.

___ [young person initial] ___ [carer initial]

I understand that the rules of this contract can be changed or amended through discussion with my parents/carers, but/and that I must abide by the contract.

I understand that if I’d like to discuss changing, adding, or subtracting rules from this agreement, I can request a family conversation. I can state my case and my feelings rationally and calmly, and listen with an open heart to my parents’ / carers’ points of view. I understand that I must be patient while they consider my request/s, and that their answer may be no. I will bear in mind that my parents/carers respect my opinions and concerns, but their word is final, even if I disagree with them. I understand that if I start complaining about any of these rules, I will lose ten minutes of screen time per complaint, cumulatively, ad infinitum.

___ [young person initial] ___ [carer initial]

I just basically agree to be a sensible, kind, appreciative, courteous, and thoughtful human entrusted with this device.

___ [young person initial] ___ [carer initial]

By signing this document, I am stating that I fully understand everything in this agreement.

My signature means that I agree to each and every one of these rules and will accept the consequences if I break them.

May the Force be with me and my new phone.

Signed [young person]: _______________________

Signed [carer/s]: _____________________________

Date: _______________________